the lamb

I wish I knew it was ok for me to be me all the time. It seems to piss people off when I am being to much of myself. The harsh, outspoken self. And to be told at work that it shows to much that I am unhappy and it needs to change doesn't actually help me change. I wish my life was differnt. Believe me. I wish I was happy and bubbly. But I'm not. And it's not part of my personality to be so on comand. Others may be able to fake it but that's to draining on my part. I love the people I work with but I know it's time to move on. But moving on is difficult in this state. I can't find a job that pays well enough for me to be able to move on. And I can't find anything in life to make me happy at the moment. I have moments, short fleeting moments of happiness. But since when is that ever enough. I don't even like to go out anymore. I use to go out every saturday but this working schedule isn't helping with my moods. And as far as love goes. I've never had it. And reading twilight isn't helping. It really is the most fantasic and powerful love I've ever read. It's just to insane to think people could ahve that kind of love. Guys like Edward don't exist, even if Bella's do. I am a Bella. I am very much a Bella.