I can't survive with dead memories in my heart

Yes I Allison, is quoting a slipknot song. Surprised aren't you. Thought you knew me huh. Thought I didn't listen to that kind of music.

I'm starting to think people really don't care what I have to say at all. I'm like a piece of driftwood in an ocean and everybody I know is standing on the shore laughing and joking with eachother with their backs to the water. It doesn't matter if I have something really important to say, or if it's small and insignificant. They don't care. My mom and dad are the only ones who listen to me at all. If I have to tell anyone ever again that my only day off is sunday I will scream. So if it's not sunday and I'm not at one job I'm at the other. And saturday is the only day I work both jobs. How hard is that to understand.

I can see that my personality is changing. I'm usually telling people I know everything that's been happening to me. But I haven't been doing that. Nobody at the bank or even Tammy knows about Adam at seaway. Shannon and Jackie M knows. But like all my text messages to Tammy. I noticed that she use to send me the same stupid messages til she got with Adam. I just love how friends are the most important part of your life untill you find a guy to replace them with. At least with this friend we are still able to be friends. We still try to hang out once a week. But I am getting sick of being treated this way. I have to remind myself that she knows I work all the time and that she probably figures thats what I'm busy doing. But tonight is saturday night and she would usually see what I'm doing, I predict she won't be calling me. Also tonight they are celebrating Dennis' birthday, I have yet to be invited.

Adam, there isn't much to say about him so far I guess. I think he's intrested. But I don't know. I haven't been very happy feeling, which everybody has noticed, so when I talk to Adam it doesn't seem like I'm intrested. I don't even know if I am. It might best be said that I am willing to settle for him. Sad, I know. I think it would be msotly intresting to be dating a guy named Adam. Cuz Shannon has her Adam, Tammy has an Adam, and then so would I. It would be like the twilight zone or something. I think I might need him though. Someone to help keep me alive. I'm looking for someone to keep me from drowning.

the lamb

I wish I knew it was ok for me to be me all the time. It seems to piss people off when I am being to much of myself. The harsh, outspoken self. And to be told at work that it shows to much that I am unhappy and it needs to change doesn't actually help me change. I wish my life was differnt. Believe me. I wish I was happy and bubbly. But I'm not. And it's not part of my personality to be so on comand. Others may be able to fake it but that's to draining on my part. I love the people I work with but I know it's time to move on. But moving on is difficult in this state. I can't find a job that pays well enough for me to be able to move on. And I can't find anything in life to make me happy at the moment. I have moments, short fleeting moments of happiness. But since when is that ever enough. I don't even like to go out anymore. I use to go out every saturday but this working schedule isn't helping with my moods. And as far as love goes. I've never had it. And reading twilight isn't helping. It really is the most fantasic and powerful love I've ever read. It's just to insane to think people could ahve that kind of love. Guys like Edward don't exist, even if Bella's do. I am a Bella. I am very much a Bella.